Hey Ethan,

Thanks for reading and sharing your personal experience here. It seems that you’ve been struggling internally recently. This may sound weird, but I’m happy to hear this! I’m not happy because you’re suffering, but because this internal struggle is a necessary step toward becoming a better version of yourself. I believe what you’re going through is a path that every person must take if they want to become the person they truly want to become.

To question your own wisdom is the beginning of gaining wisdom. To doubt everything you know and deconstruct the beliefs you hold about yourself and the world is extremely difficult. We feel it on a physiological level, even though the process is purely mental. We experience an identity crisis because our perception of the person we thought we were was shattered through our experiences.

Maybe you always breezed through school and excelled at everything you did, and one day you decided not to study and got a failing grade. What does that failing grade mean as soon as you see it? You’re supposed to be a naturally gifted and smart kid, but you received a failing mark. You make sure no one sees this piece of paper but yourself because you’re deeply ashamed and shocked. At first, you might think it’s a mistake. You start checking your answers, because surely the teacher must have made a mistake. Your teacher goes over the test. The teacher made no mistakes in marking your test. You’re still stuck with that test and now you must get the test signed by your parents (that was how my school system disciplined kids.)

You think back to when the teacher was going over the school material in class. You remember not paying attention and maybe looking at your phone or not taking notes or not doing the homework or not attending the tutoring class after school even though you knew you didn’t understand the material. You had gone through this before, but you’d come out with decent grades, so you decided not study. You think about how when you first saw the test, you realized you didn’t understand much. In the past, you were able to easily solve the basic problems, but now you couldn’t even BS your way through this. You decide to bubble in random answers, or maybe even thought about cheating. If you could only pass this test this time, you’d make sure not to do it again and go home and study properly for the next one.

So you believe you’re a smart kid, but you’re consistently receiving bad grades. “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I don’t know how you’ve been studying for your classes and tests. But you tell me that you can’t bring yourself to actually try, because you’re scared of failing and ultimately shattering the already weakened and shaky perception of yourself. Maybe you’re scared that people love you and keep you around only because you’re naturally smart, and if they found out that you weren’t as smart as they thought you were, they would abandon you or make fun of you or disregard you.

Realize that these fears are only in your mind. Think about the thoughts you have very carefully. Even better, write them down and be honest — why are you scared of trying and failing? Why are you scared to admit that you might not be as smart as you think? Maybe because if you decide that you have to become smarter, that means you have to spend time sitting down in front of textbooks studying and actually pay attention and take notes in class. Maybe you’re scared of taking responsibility for your life and for your future. Maybe you’re just lazy. It could be a whole variety of different reasons. But also realize that these fears are perfectly valid and there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling any of these fears because we all have them. We are all afraid to admit our own flaws and shine a critical light on ourselves.

But I believe we all have great potential. You sound like a good guy Ethan, and I believe by going through this as early as 16 (because God only knows what I was doing when I was 16… probably cutting class and playing video games all day). It just looks like you were humbled, and you will realize that throughout your life, you will constantly be humbled if you place yourself next to people who are much smarter than you. That might be a great realization — you actually don’t want to be the smartest person in the room. You want to always be the one who knows less and you want to always be the one asking questions. The more you know, the more you can connect dots that ultimately will lead you to creating an innovative product, solving a complex problem that has plagued humanity, etc.

This process is going to hurt, because like the phoenix, we must burn the old version of us to become reborn as the new version. I’m not saying that I believe a phoenix actually existed, but I believe the idea of the phoenix was created to resemble a transformation in the human psyche — you must destroy everything that was a part of your old self in order to make way for the stronger, newborn self.

“But if I’m not smart then I don’t think I’m anything good, I don’t have any talents or qualities.”

Please don’t ever believe this about yourself. You have many more qualities that define you as a person. Don’t put so much value on intelligence — in your path throughout life you will find people who may not be as smart as you but will have different kinds of strengths and values that you respect and admire.

If you continue to live as a person who looks down on others, you will not be able to reach your full potential because your arrogance will not allow you to learn from the people around you. You will create a veil of ignorance that will not allow you to hear the things you need to hear. You will try to create a humble persona but deep inside in your heart you know that you are only pretending to be humble in order to appear a certain way to other people, and in reality you are judging and disparaging whoever you do not deem to be as intelligent as you.

And to address your comment on feeling lost and trapped in this situation, I feel you and I’ve been in a similar situation as you. You’re not alone in this experience — many people have and are still struggling through the same problem as you, so you don’t have to feel like something is wrong with you specifically. I’m glad that you decided to talk to me and I’m happy to continue to do so, but you can also try and find someone who is close to you who you can share this problem with. Speaking about what’s on your mind is cathartic. Writing about your issues is cathartic. The only reason why I wrote this piece was to help conceptualize what I was thinking about. Writing is a form of honesty, if you’re willing to make it so. If you feel like you have no one to talk about this problem with, just open a draft on Medium and pour out your feelings there. Write about whatever you want to write about. Think about everything you want to think about and take notes on it. Spend time with yourself and be honest — it will help a bunch and it will help you ease your anxiety.

I hope my long ramble helps in some way. I’m happy you decided to share your struggle with me. You have your finger on the root of the problem, but it looks like you don’t know what the next step should be. I think you need to talk to someone you admire or you trust and learn from them — did they ever go through anything like this? And maybe full transparency and vulnerability will help that discussion. Be honest with your emotions and tell them everything you’re feeling. Here’s maybe one more tip — maybe you don’t even know how to study properly because you never really had to discipline yourself to sit down and study. Maybe you don’t even know how to take proper and effective notes. Maybe you need to learn how to ask good questions to understand the topic at hand a little better. I’m just making assumptions because I don’t know your specific situation, but these are some suggestions to think about that might help you identify what you need to learn next.

Let me know if you have any questions! Happy to help :)