As I Work To Get Myself and My Family out of Suffering

My mind concocted quite an evil thought.

My mother was suffering from many things, much unknown to me.

Every time she would identify a pain in her body (it differed each day and usually got worse), I would not be able to put on a brave face.

Whenever she suffered, I felt an emotion that I could not identify.

A part of it was the helplessness I felt every time she suffered. A part of it was the devilish indifference I felt since the suffering was not my own.

I would sit in the living room, reading and taking notes, preparing to create a plan for me to move forward in this life. I had to get serious about my plans and needed to focus.

My mother came out while I was still reading, and while I should have gone into my room to get more privacy, I stubbornly decided to stay and finish my tasks.

She decided to fall asleep on the couch facing opposite of me, and from time to time I would glance up from my reading, feeling gratitude and pity for the hard working woman who laid sleeping peacefully.

But for the next two hours, she was restless and could not sleep. She was tortured with amnesia and continuous pain — sensations that tormented her endlessly and refused to let her sleep. She would groan every few minutes, which would disrupt my immersion in the task at hand. She could not sleep so she would turn on the TV, lay back down, and grimace at the pain she felt throughout her body.

I would try to inquire about the location of the pain, which was my feeble attempt to help her feel better.

And there I sat, feeling rather helpless that I could not diagnose the problem nor offer a solution.

Feeling rather ashamed that as the son I could not provide enough money for the family for her to feel comfortable in going to see a doctor.

Feeling rather pressured to quickly succeed in whichever endeavor I chose to pursue.

And as I sat some more, I felt a thought creep into my consciousness, which was the evil within my soul that only sought my own comfort.

A thought that arose from the depths of darkness, which I had chosen to acknowledge rather than banish.

“Why was she choosing to show her suffering in front of me? Is she trying to make me feel this despair? This wretched helplessness? Does she not realize that showing her suffering in front of me makes me feel this way?”

And this was the most shameful thought that arose:

“Why can’t she suffer silently where I can’t feel bad about it?”

The thought itself immediately knocked me out of my task. I looked up at my mother, who was now suffering the consequences of the hard work and infinite love she had dared to give to me, and I immediately was embarrassed and ashamed at myself.

Here was the hard working woman who had taken care of me through many seasons, stayed by my side through my frequent bouts of sickness, and endured hardships unimaginable and unthinkable through her life, only to have her selfish and ungrateful son wish she would suffer alone as she had done for her entire life.

My mother gave me unconditional love, but I could not even spare a bit of sympathy for her as she suffered in front of me. She suffered because she had the courage to shoulder the burden of that responsibility throughout her life.

Why must a good woman like my mother suffer even when she had aimed her life toward honorable living? Was the price for living a life with courage and love only ailments and suffering?

Life, in these moments, is truly ironic and unfair. I realize no one said it had to be fair and just, which could ultimately lead to a philosophy of nihilism.

Following the moment of shame I found redemption — I had acknowledged the wicked thought that existed within me and placed judgment unto it. It was not aligned with my current moral code and had to be brought forth into the light to be scrutinized and, in the end, eradicated.

I don’t fear having these moments of shameful thoughts — in fact I’d rather embrace them.

Avoiding them will only allow them to fester and grow stronger in the darkness.

Embracing them will allow me to understand the capacity for evil within me.

Embracing them will allow me to go through a transformative process — one that sets ablaze the insufficient parts of yourself and brings forth a better version out of the ashes.